


Like a Secret in Your Throat

by Sena



Category: Bandom, My Chemical Romance
Genre: M/M, Past Sexual Coercion, Possibly Unrequited Love, Recreational Drug Use, Sibling Incest, Unhealthy Relationships, Van Days
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-11
Updated: 2013-08-11
Packaged: 2017-12-23 02:11:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/920757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sena/pseuds/Sena
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gerard never touches, just watches, and Mikey's not sure he'll ever know why.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Like a Secret in Your Throat

**Author's Note:**

> Consensual, though with definite overtones of past coercion.

"Let me see you, Mikes," Gerard whispers, and Mikey's stomach drops.

He never says no. Not even the first time, when he'd said, _I don't want to,_ and, _Don't make me,_ he hadn't ever actually said no.

"Let me see you," Gerard says, and Mikey does.

Right there in the filthy club bathroom, Mikey leans against the wall, undoes his jeans and shoves them down his thighs. He pushes his t-shirt up with one hand and strokes his cock with the other and he keeps his eyes closed. He tries not to think about the voices in the hallway so fucking close, tries not to think about how he can hear Otter and Ray laughing from the end of the hall.

Sometimes Gerard gives him direction, says, _Slower,_ or, _Lick your palm, get it really wet,_ or _Put two fingers in your ass._ Sometimes he tells Mikey what to do, but sometimes he's like this, totally silent, just watching.

Mikey can hear his own breath, can hear himself jerking off, can hear people just outside the bathroom talking and laughing and he's so turned on he wants to scream. He loves this, fucking craves it, misses it so fucking much when Gerard goes weeks, even months without whispering, "Let me see."

Nothing gets him off like this, like Gerard watching him and never touching him, never touching himself, just watching and sometimes whispering commands. Nothing will ever make him shudder and ache and yearn like this thing they do, this thing that he doesn't even understand. He doesn't know what Gerard gets out of it since it never even makes him hard. He doesn't know what made Gerard say it that first time back when Mikey's voice was starting to break.

He didn't always love it so completely. At first it had made him feel weird, had made him feel vulnerable and sort of ashamed. He doesn't remember when that changed. He still feels vulnerable, he supposes, still feels ashamed, but he likes feeling ashamed, now. Maybe he's always liked it. Maybe that's why he's never said no.

He's only told one person, not even a girlfriend, just a girl he'd met. They'd spent a weekend at her place, coked up and fucking and when they were talking about all the dirtiest shit they'd done in their lives, he'd said, "My brother watches me jerk off sometimes."

She'd laughed and said, "Only sometimes?"

He'd shrugged and said, "When he wants to. He tells me when he wants to watch and I jerk off for him. I don't know if that counts as something dirty, though, since it's not about sex."

"He gets off watching you jerk off, baby, that's about sex."

"He doesn't. It doesn't turn him on. He just watches."

She looked at him for a moment, chewing her lower lip. Then she said, "Can I watch you jerk off?"

Mikey said, "Yeah." It hadn't been the same.

It hadn't been anything like this, Gerard watching him so intently, his pale round face the brightest thing in the dark bathroom, his black hair hanging in limp strands around his face. He's wearing a Sebadoh t-shirt and a black button-down and his baggy jeans with the tear in the thigh patched with duct tape. Mikey wonders what would happen if he dropped to his knees. He wonders what Gerard would do if he pressed his face to Gerard's soft belly and mouthed his way down to Gerard's cock. He wonders if Gerard would let him. He wonders if he'd be surprised at how good Mikey is at it.

Mikey doesn't move from where he is, leaning against the wall between the cracked sink and the door. His hips are pressed forward and he stops just long enough to spit into his right hand before starting up again, stroking hard, left hand pressed against his ribs. He thinks about all the skin that's exposed, how he's bare from just above his knees to just above his waist. He thinks about what he'd look like to somebody else, to a stranger who walked in to see him like this. He thinks about how Gerard's so intent on watching him that he's not even drinking his beer anymore, just letting it dangle from his fingertips as he looks at Mikey and chews on his lower lip.

Mikey grits his teeth to stay silent, then tips his head back and pants and shivers. If they had time, if they were alone in their room or a hotel or even the van, he'd make it last. He'd draw it out, keep Gerard's eyes on him for as long as he could. He'd say, "Tell me," and then do whatever Gerard wanted him to. He'd turn around and spread his ass and think about Gerard fucking him as he fingered himself.

They don't have time, though. Diecast was already fifteen minutes into their set when Gerard slipped into the bathroom behind him which means they're nearly done now. They're going to come off stage and somebody's going to need to piss and Mikey's going to need to help Otter get his kit set up and Gerard should already be warming up and that girl from Mikey's film class said she'd be at the show and what if she gets backstage and comes looking for him?

He doesn't have time and he feels so exposed and vulnerable that he couldn't make himself last, anyway, and Gerard's looking at him so attentively, and then Gerard whispers, "Yeah, you look so good," and Mikey sucks his lower lip into his mouth and whimpers and tips his head back and comes.

Mikey presses back against the wall as he catches his breath, the rough cement cold against his ass. He startles when he hears Frank shouting, "Where the fuck is my band?"

Otter shouts, "Right here, you fucking stoner!" from the far end of the hall, but Mikey still hurries to yank his jeans up.

Gerard's not looking at him when he says, "I should probably..."

Mikey says, "Yeah," and flattens himself against the wall so Gerard can open the door without squashing him. Gerard never looks at him afterwards.

Once Mikey's alone, he fastens his jeans and his belt and refuses to admit that his hands are shaking. He takes off his glasses and splashes water on his face and he's got come on his New York Giants t-shirt. He wipes it away the best he can, then takes it off and turns it inside out so no one will be able to tell. The screen printing still shows through, anyway, and just makes Mikey look like every other guy in a band who's just turned his dirty t-shirt inside out to get another couple days wear out of it.

He smoothes back the hair at his temples and makes sure the rest of it's spiked to a point and squares his shoulders before leaving the bathroom. He's only made it a few steps when Frank jumps at him, throwing his arms around Mikey's waist and holding on tight.

Mikey laughs and lets the momentum of Frank's attack hug propel him back into the wall saying, "Hello to you, too."

Frank pulls away and takes a drag on his cigarette, then blows it in Mikey's face, which is just another way Frank shows affection. "Got you a present," he says.

"It's not even my birthday."

"I know. I'm just a rad fucking friend like that." Frank holds a small yellow pill up on his forefinger. "A very merry unbirthday to you, motherfucker."

Mikey leans down and sucks the pill off Frank's finger, swallows it dry, then says, "We going on soon?"

"Now," says Frank, bouncing on his toes. "Fucking now."

Mikey throws his arms up in the air and pumps them a few times before Otter slaps him in the belly and says, "Come on, lazy ass, let's go."

Ray's already got his guitar slung over his shoulder and he and Gerard are singing manically at each other to pump themselves up and Mikey jumps up and down in place and follows Otter and Frank towards the stage and doesn't let himself notice how Gerard never looks at him once the entire rest of the night.


End file.
